


totally heterosexual

by asymmetric



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, an incredible amount of stupidity, and ridiculousness, this is not a serious story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 12:12:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1648229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asymmetric/pseuds/asymmetric
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What?" Ashton squawked. His voice seemed to be reaching new heights in pitch. "You're gay? But we made out last night!" Calum was looking at him now. They were all looking at him, and none of them appeared to see the problem he was facing. "I thought we were just two straight dudes making out!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	totally heterosexual

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how this happened.
> 
> Well, actually I do. This came about because two of my male aquaintences made out at a party and then the straight one found out that the guy he made out with was actually gay. His response was, word for word, exactly what Ashton says in this story. All I could think when I heard him say it was "I feel like this situation and that reaction are exactly what would happen with 5sos if one of them was into dudes".
> 
> The rest of the story though? Yeah, that bit just kinda happened.
> 
> Also! I am not Australian, nor do I know anyone who is, so I hope this isn't too jarringly North American. And in this story, the band are alone on the tour bus and Calum sudenly has a bottom bunk and there are doors everywhere. Don't question it. 
> 
> One final note: although it's not presented as super creepy, there is a moment where one character asks another to stop touching them and the other character ignores them.

It was the morning after Ashton learned what the inside of Calum's mouth tasted like that Calum gathered them all together and told them he was into guys.

They were all hungover, squinting and sweaty and uncomfortable, all vaguely irritated at being dragged out of their bunks before they were ready to face the day again. But Calum had looked worried and determined and no one ever wanted to disappoint Calum when he looked like that. He gathered them in the back lounge of the bus and sat them down in a circle and said, "So."

"You're probably wondering why I've summoned you all here," Ashton interrupted, steepling his fingers and trying to do an impression of some guy on a movie he'd seen a hundred years ago. He was hoping it would make Calum laugh, since Calum was looking weird and sad right now. He hadn't been like that last night. He'd been happy and glowing and totally up for doing stupid things with Ashton, and Ashton just wanted to put a smile back on his face.

It didn't work, probably because Calum wasn't looking at him; he was staring at his bare feet instead, as if they were more interesting than Ashton's impression of a guy from a movie. Michael was looking at Ashton though, glaring at him.

"Cut it out, Ashton," he grunted, voice still sleep-deep. "Calum's got something to say."

And then he nodded encouragingly at Calum. Ashton narrowed his eyes. So they were in this together then, were they? He should've known; Michael never willingly got out of bed this early in the morning unless he had a scheme to unleash. He tried not to feel offended. The two of them were allowed to have their own secrets, sure, but Calum was usually shit at secrets, and told Ashton everything, like he was just giving away facts about his life.

"Thanks, Mikey," Calum said. He sounded nervous. "Um, so I've got something I figure I should tell you guys."

It came out in fits and starts, Calum pausing in the middle of his sentence as if to gain strength for the rest of it, and then spitting it out in a rush.

"You know I've always...liked girls, right? But I kind of also...like guys. As well. Like romantically. Sexually. Both. Whatever."

Ashton stared at him, then stared around the circle at his bandmates' clearly unshocked faces, feeling like he'd gotten hit in the stomach with a hammer.

"Good of you to tell us, Calum," Luke started, sounding weirdly formal and totally not freaked out at all and what was wrong with everyone else? "You know we all support you and whatev—"

"What?" Ashton squawked. His voice seemed to be reaching new heights in pitch. "You're gay? But we made out last night!" Calum was looking at him now. They were all looking at him, and none of them appeared to see the problem he was facing. "I thought we were just two straight dudes making out!"

"Yes, 'cause making out with other dudes is totally heterosexual," Michael mumbled. "And also, it's not gay, it's bisexual. Were you even listening."

"Shut up," Ashton said. Michael had already known, it was clear, and that fact shouldn't have hurt like it did. Michael and Calum had been friends the longest of any of them, of course he would know. It didn't mean that Calum liked Michael more than Ashton. "It's not like you're Mr. Politically Correct. When Harry told us he was pansexual, you joked to me that we should hide all of the cooking pans and stuff so he didn't get turned on."

"Fuck you, Ashton," Michael spat out. He was proper angry now, his cheeks flushed dark. "That was a stupid five second joke, and at least I didn't do it in front of him!"

"Wow," Calum said. He was sickly pale now, like he was going to throw up. "Wow. This has been a really fun conversation. I'm gonna go back to bed now."

He stood up, wobbling slightly when the bus gave a lurch. Ashton reached out a hand in case he needed steadying, but Calum didn't see it; he just leaned one hand against the wall and walked out of the lounge, closing the door behind him.

"I'm totally cool with you being bi!" Ashton yelled after him. "Just so you know!"

Michael stood up as well, shaking his head at Ashton.

"Just leave it, okay," he said. And then he followed Calum out the door.

For a moment it was quiet in the lounge, the silence only broken up by the soft patter of Luke typing away on his phone and the shush of the bus moving underneath them.

"I wasn't trying to be a dick about it," Ashton said to Luke. It was important that at least someone understand him. "I was just surprised. I mean, you had to be kinda surprised too, right?"

"Not really," Luke said, pocketing his phone. "I already knew."

Clearly there was some kind of "Calum likes guys" conspiracy around here, where everyone knew but Ashton. He closed his eyes, trying not to fly off the handle. He already had one bandmate angry at him and the other one possibly upset, so he probably needed to keep the peace with Luke.

"Why was I the only one who didn't know?" he asked calmly.

Luke shrugged.

"Calum told us before you joined the band. And then it just didn't really come up. We just kinda forgot you didn't know. It wasn't like, a secret."

"Then why the big show of bringing all of us out here to tell if I was the only one who didn't know?"

"We were here for moral support in case you didn't react well." Luke somehow managed to make his face look even more judgemental. "Turns out we were needed."

Ashton flopped back against the cushions and groaned, grinding the heels of his hands against his closed eyelids. His head hurt and the sun was too bright and apparently everyone had thought he was going to cock things up and then he had gone and proven them right.

"He's not mad at me, is he?" Ashton asked.

"Uh, yeah, I think he might be now after you basically yelled at him for not telling you he was into dudes before the two of you made out—"

"I don't mean angry about that!" Ashton said impatiently. "I mean for making out with him in the first place. I wouldn't have done it if I knew he was any percent of gay, like, I don't want him to think I was trying to make fun of him or something. He won't think it was unfair of me or anything, will he? I just thought we were both straight, so it was fine!"

There was a pause, and Ashton had to move his hands and prop himself up on his elbows to make sure that Luke hadn't left the room. He hadn't; he was still sitting in the same spot, staring at Ashton with an expression that was somewhere between disgust and pity.

"You have the weirdest logic," Luke said. "And the gayest definition of how straight guys act."

"Hey!" Ashton exclaimed, sitting up fully to stab a finger in Luke's direction. "You're a bloody hypocrite! You have literally made out with both Calum and Mikey on two different twitcams!"

"I did not," Luke retorted. "Five seconds of pretend kissing does not equal making out for half an hour and having to be pulled apart."

"Calum and I did not make out for half an hour," Ashton scoffed.

"Yes, you did."

"No way."

"Yes way. I timed it. And you guys probably would have kept going for a lot longer if Michael hadn't pulled you guys off each other."

Ashton narrowed his eyes. So that was why he felt so irritated with Michael this morning.

"That's not the point," he said, because he knew he'd had a point initially. "The point is that other people in this band kiss each other and we've seen each other naked and we cuddle all the time and hump each other and we're all mostly straight, so don't tell me I don't know how straight people act! There was no way I could've known that Calum was into guys before I made out with him, so he can't hate me just for that!"

"The rest of us have never set a picture of our bandmate naked as our own phone background though."

Ashton blinked.

"What does that have to do with anything? It's a good picture! Calum's got a nice arse! And it's funny!"

Luke closed his eyes. He looked like Ashton's mum used to when he was a kid and had just told her that he'd broken something accidentally. The classic "searching for patience" face.

"Look," he said slowly. "Did you ever think that maybe Calum thought he should tell you now because he felt like maybe it was unfair to you that you didn't know he liked guys before you made out with him?"

Ashton hesitated, thinking about it.

"That doesn't make sense."

Luke threw his hands up in the air.

"Fine! None of this makes sense, I guess, because you're all stupid. Can you just apologize for freaking out when he told you and tell him everything is cool with you two?"

Ashton sprawled back down on the bench, pulling his arm over his eyes.

"Just give me a minute," he mumbled.

He heard Luke sigh loudly, then get up and leave. He didn't try to stop him. It was probably for the best for Ashton to be alone for a little bit.

He hadn't actually been very drunk last night, had gotten only a little bit past "this is going to hurt tomorrow" and nowhere near "black out central" or "vomit time". He could remember almost everything.

He could remember the weight of Calum in his lap, the heat of him against his front. He could remember the taste of Calum's laughter, jumbled and crushed between their mouths, could remember the way that laughter petered off into a low, happy hum, vibrating through Calum's chest, when Ashton kissed him too hard for laughter to be possible. He could remember the feel of Calum's tongue in his mouth, and the flash fire spread of heat through his body.

What he couldn't remember was why they started kissing in the first place. It must have been a joke or a dare, because it had been funny. They'd just been having fun together, just messing around the way they always did when they'd had a little bit to drink. Except this time it hadn't been messing around through pranks or games or wrestling, it had been Calum's thighs spread around Ashton's lap and Ashton's hands bunching in Calum's vest at the small of his back and Calum gasping against his lips. So maybe it had gotten a bit out of hand. Maybe it had gotten slightly gayer than usual, even for this band, but it hadn't meant anything. Not until this morning.

Ashton groaned and rolled over, flattening his hips to the bench. If he was maybe a little half-hard after thinking about last night, it still didn't mean anything. Calum was a good kisser and Ashton had a vivid memory. He dared anyone, man, woman, or other, to not get a little turned on when kissing or thinking about kissing Calum.

Now that he was thinking about it more, he could remember that he'd gotten hard last night too, with Calum on top of him. It had seemed funny then, funny that a guy, a friend, could get his prick swollen and wanting in his shorts, and he'd laughed when he told Calum, "you got me hard," and pushed his hips up. Calum hadn't laughed though, Ashton realized. He'd just sat his bum down on Ashton's dick and rubbed against him until Ashton could barely breathe, and that was about the time that Mikey grabbed Calum by the back of his shirt and pulled him up and off of Ashton's lap, growling something about how Calum was going to regret this in the morning.

In retrospect, none of it was very "straight dudes making out" at all, at least on Calum's side of it. Ashton felt even more guilty. His dick clearly felt the same. That throb it just gave was definitely guilt, and not like, arousal or anything.

After lying there for a minute longer, determinedly thinking of nothing and ignoring the urge to rut into the cushions, Ashton stood up and crossed the room to the door. He had to talk to Calum sooner or later.

The door wouldn't open.

"Michael," Ashton called, pushing hard. The door gave an inch or so and then was shoved back into place, a tell tale grunt of effort sounding from the other side. "Michael, let me talk to Calum."

"Are you going to be a prick about it?" Michael asked. "Because I don't think I can let you through this door unless—"

"Fucking christ, Mikey, just let me talk to him. I need to apologize. And stuff."

There was some mostly inaudible grumbling, and then the door was suddenly yanked open. Ashton stumbled through into the hallway and looked up to see Michael squinting down at him suspiciously. He'd never looked more like a bulldog.

"I'm going to join Luke in the front lounge and you're going to not be an asshole, okay? Okay. Glad we got that sorted."

He turned and ambled off, disappearing behind the other door at the other end of the hallway.

Ashton slowly straightened up. His stomach was pitching from side to side, mimicking the roll of the floor beneath him, and he flattened his hand above the waistband of his shorts, trying to press the nervousness out of existence. The short hallway was really just the space between their bunks, and the curtains to all of them were pulled open, except for one. Calum's.

Ashton crouched down and knocked softly on the wood above Calum's bunk. Usually they disregarded the "don't open the curtains to someone's bunk unexpectedly" courtesy rule completely, but he felt like if there was ever a time to honour that rule, it was now.

"Hey, bud, you in there?"

There was a vague grumbling noise that sounded more distracted than angry. Ashton decided to take his chances and pulled the curtain up just a little so he could duck his head under it. With the curtain snug around his shoulders, it was dark in Calum's bunk, the only light being the glow on Calum's face from his phone. Calum was lying on his back, knees curled up to his chest and feet planted on the roof, staring intently at his phone.

"Hey," Ashton said.

Calum flicked a glance at him and his mouth twitched like he had been about to smile automatically before he remembered that he was mad at Ashton.

"Look, when I freaked out out there, I wasn't trying to be like, ew, gross, I made out with someone who is gay. Come on, you felt my dick last night, this thing does not discriminate," Ashton said, leaning his chin forward on the mattress. "I was just worried because like, if we were just two straight dudes making out then I understand that, I know what the parameters of that are. But since I didn't know that you liked guys, then it's different, isn't it? What if I accidentally made you feel bad or like I was making this unfair or something? What if I hurt your feelings?" He nudged his arm into Calum's side, unable to hold back a small giggle. "I'm a sensitive guy, you know."

"Yes, Ashton," Calum deadpanned. "You hurt my feelings by making out with me. You realize none of your logic makes any sense, right?"

"That's what Luke said," Ashton grumbled. "Come on, can we have a making up cuddle?"

Calum hesitated, glancing down at himself. Ashton didn't know what he was so worried about; the way he was curled up, there would definitely be room for Ashton.

"Hey, the only reason we said we'd all date you in that one interview is because you're always up for a cuddle. Can't make us liars now," Ashton pointed out.

"That's blackmail," Calum said, but there was the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth now and he waved for Ashton to climb in.

This was an important cuddle, Ashton knew that. He had to prove that he was totally fine with Calum's gayness and had to not act like it was weird to be overly touchy feely. This band was always overly touchy feely. To make the best impression, to communicate most effectively that what Calum did with his prick would not change their friendship, Ashton needed to go for the most homoerotic cuddle position ever.

It was a challenge he was more than happy to rise to.

He clambered into the bunk, pausing to close the curtain more securely behind him, and then squeezed his way between Calum's spread legs, stretching out until their bodies were pressed flush together, his hips wedged in the cradle of Calum's thighs and his face tucked down into Calum's neck.

"Um," said Calum, frozen underneath Ashton's body.

"Just an ordinary cuddle sesh," Ashton insisted, turning his face in to press along the line of Calum's throat. Calum smelled bizarrely nice for someone who hadn't showered since drinking last night, and Ashton could feel his pulse beating hard against his cheek. But other than the face in neck aspect, it was actually really uncomfortable. Partly because of the lack of space in the bunks and partly because Calum's pointy hipbones were digging into his own and partly because Ashton's stupid lizard brain couldn't stop thinking about the proximity of Calum's junk to his own and if he kept lying like this, something else was going to rise to the challenge.

"Nope, nope, uncomfortable," Ashton mumbled, shuffling quickly up onto his elbows and knees, careful to make sure that no part of their crotch areas were touching anymore. Calum was staring up at him, eyes wide and Ashton felt a formless panic rise up in him. He didn't want to be misunderstood again!

"Not because of you!" he said quickly. "Uncomfortable because of position. Not because of your gayness."

"For fuck's sake, Ash," Calum said, and for some reason he looked irritated again. "I'm not gay, I'm bisexual."

A weird sort of snort came out of Ashton that he couldn't swallow down. So this was what panic laughter felt like.

"Labels," he said, waving a hand dismissively. It hit Calum's still upraised knee and he automatically found himself curling his hand around that knee, digging his fingers into Calum's warm skin, stroking slightly. "What do they even mean?"

"A lot," Calum said. His breathing was coming out slightly uneven, and his phone was lying forgotten on his chest, face down, a tiny white glow shining around its edges. "To me, at least. Gay would mean I just like dudes. I like girls too, okay? Don't take that away from me."

The right leg of Calum's shorts was starting to slide down his thigh, pooling where his leg met his body and leaving a good inch of toucan boxers showing. Ashton's eyes got stuck on the distorted front half of a toucan poking out of Calum's shorts, beak pointing up Calum's inner thigh right at Ashton, and he found himself pushing Calum's leg closer to his chest, trying to spread him apart more. To see the rest of that toucan.

Calum let out a little noise and Ashton looked up at him. It was hard to tell in the dim light, but he seemed a little flushed. He got that, because he felt flushed himself, confused and shaking in his own skin. It was too hot in the bunk and Ashton didn't know what he was saying anymore.

"What if we're not talking about liking girls or boys or both?" Ashton said. "What if it's not about knowing you like a specific group, what if you just—maybe like one person?"

"Ashton," Calum said. "Could you maybe just, give me some space, just stop touching me for a sec?"

Ashton ignored him, scooting forward until his hips were pressed to the curve of Calum's arse and he could lean down closer, see Calum's face better, Calum's legs bending towards his chest more under the push of Ashton's body. Calum wasn't listening, was the thing. Ashton needed him to listen.

"What if you're still straight, but you maybe just like someone? Or they're the exception to the straightness? Maybe."

Calum pushed his phone off his chest and brought his hands up over his face, hiding.

"Ash, I don't know what you're talking about, but this is gonna get super awkward if you don't back off for a sec, okay, 'cause we're not drunk and this is going to be really not very funny thi—"

He broke off, maybe to catch his breath (he'd been talking pretty fast) or maybe because Ashton shuffled back slightly and properly looked down between Calum's legs.

Calum was hard, the bulge of his cock pushing up through his boxers and shorts. Ashton felt like he maybe should've expected that, but the sight hit him like a sledgehammer anyway and he reached out without thinking, curling his fingers around the swell of it, toying with it through the fabric. Calum made a really dumb noise, something like a squawk and a moan at the same time. Ashton wanted to hear him make it again.

"What are you doing?" Calum gasped.

Ashton felt like a clumsy virgin all over again, fingers learning the shape of Calum. He pressed his thumb against the head of Calum's dick and Calum's hips gave a satisfying twitch.

"I don't really know," he admitted. "You might have to walk me through this."

He rubbed the heel of his palm up the swollen line of Calum's dick and Calum's head dropped back against his pillow.

"Is this actually happening?" he said. He seemed to be aiming the question at the ceiling, so Ashton didn't bother answering, just hooked his fingers into the waistband of Calum's shorts and pants and tried to yank them off. Tried being the keyword.

There was a flurry of legs and clothing as Calum got the idea, and after a couple moments of wriggling around and Calum almost kicking Ashton in the face seven different times, they were both able to get Calum bare from the waist down. Calum settled back on his elbows, legs sprawled around Ashton's hips, and looked up nervously. His prick was lying thick on his stomach, and Ashton couldn't really look away from it. He'd seen it a million times before (he had not been kidding about the level of nudity in this band), but he'd never seen it hard, and seeing that was completely different. Dicks had always been kinda weird looking to him, but Calum's—Calum's was fucking pretty. This, Ashton thought, was definitely gay.

The amount that he did not care was staggering.

He was just stroking a hand down the inside of Calum's thigh toward his groin when Calum suddenly cupped a hand over himself protectively.

"You're not just doing this as some creepy way to make up for being stupid earlier, are you?" he said suspiciously.

"Calum, I wouldn't suck your dick for an apology," Ashton said in disbelief. "I'm really not that nice."

"Jesus," Calum said, squeezing his eyes shut. His hand flexed over his cock, fingers wrapping around to give himself a few, quick pulls, rough and automatic, like Ashton's words had gotten him so hot that he just had to touch himself. When he opened his eyes again, they were huge and dark.

"You too," he said, nodding at Ashton. "I wanna see your dick."

Ashton had never taken off his clothes so fast in his entire life. He didn't think about feeling self-conscious until he was sitting naked between Calum's legs and Calum was staring at him. Ashton reached down and fisted his own cock, which had been half -hard since before he entered Calum's bunk and had only gotten stiffer as their conversation went on. It felt hotter in his hand than usual, burning up under Calum's gaze, and he tried not to fidget, hoping that Calum wasn't about to kick him out for looking weird or something.

"Shit," Calum said, his eyes flicking between their two crotches. "I've never actually done this before, okay, I don't really know what to do, just in case you were expecting me to be good at this or something—"

This time when he broke off, it was because Ashton had tipped forward and kissed him.

Maybe it was because they were naked (that was Ashton's theory) or maybe it was because Calum didn't freeze up like an idiot, but the whole "Ashton lying on top of Calum" thing worked a lot better like this. Calum's hand was temporarily crushed between their tummies but he wormed it out, arms coming up around Ashton's back, one hand pressing into his shoulder blades and the other sliding into his hair. Ashton could feel Calum's prick rubbing against his stomach, nudging alongside his own, and he rabbited his hips downwards, grinding them together until Calum was panting into the kiss. His eyes were bright and his nose was smushed against Ashton's cheek and Ashton kept missing his mouth and smearing kisses on his chin and it was definitely the best sex Ashton had ever had—

Until they heard Michael's voice.

There was a creak of a door opening and then Michael, booming out, "Are you kids playing nicely?"

Calum tore his mouth away from Ashton's but before either of them could say anything, the curtain to the bunk had already been ripped open and there was Michael, smiling evilly.

"Are we all frien—jesus christ."

A normal person would've closed the curtain, but Michael just gaped at them.

"Are you two having sex?" he exclaimed, sounding almost personally affronted.

"No!" squeaked Calum.

"Yes," said Ashton, mostly to be contrary.

"Fucking christ," Michael said, and finally yanked the curtain closed again. "Hey, Luke, they're having sex!"

"What?" Luke shouted back, his voice distant.

"Sex! They're fucking each other! You know, just two straight dudes, having sex!"

"Hey!" Ashton yelled, because that was a clear dig at him. "Harry said that sexuality is fluid! Styles, I mean, not like, my brother."

"What are you guys talking about?" Luke called. "I can't hear you, come here and tell me!"

Michael made a grumbling sound and then they heard the sound of his footsteps receding and a door closing, cutting off all other sound. For a moment they lay there in silence, staring at each other, and then Ashton dropped his head onto Calum's chest and sighed. So much for his boner.

Calum wriggled slightly underneath him, and Ashton cancelled that thought. His boner was clearly here to stay, interruptions or no interruptions.

"Were you being serious earlier when you said you wanted to suck my dick?" Calum asked, smiling cheekily.

Ashton grinned back. Calum was great. He loved Calum. They always had fun together and Calum was always up for anything, and things could only get better now that sex was a thing he knew Calum would be up for.

Calum was the best exception to his straightness that he could've ever asked for.

"You tell me," he said, and slid his way down Calum's body to start his education in proper gay sex.


End file.
